I don’t have a fear of commitment. I have a fear of abandonment. We all screw things up. I screw things up, especially with people I love. I get needy, I get moody, I get distant, I want to be close, I get confused. I don’t understand all of it, but I keep pushing because I hope this thing, this universe, there’s no way that I’m the only person out there who wants something this bad, if I want it, someone else out there must too.
- person: get your license
- me: The Road Is A Terrifying Place And I Am Very Afraid To Drive
Have you ever heard of a dirty sanchez or a donkey punch? Oh I wish you hadn’t. It’s a terrible thing that I hope people don’t really do they just think it’s funny, but it isn’t. Basically all these shitty things like that they all start the same way, basically your shitty friend Cory is like “uhh so uhh you’re like bangin a chick right and then right when you’re about to blow your load you fuckin punch her in the head and hold on for the riiide” and I’m like shut the fuck up what did you just say you did to a person you monster? And he’s like “uhhhh”. I mean let me — let me translate that for you to fucking earthling. Alright so you just said “Alright, so you’re having consensual sex with a nice human women who let you fold and manipulate your shitty soft penis into her lovely fragrant vagina, and then you struggle not to throw up the 4 long island iced teas that you drank, and then right when you’re about to blow your load, having paid no attention to her satisfaction, you hatefully assault her turning it into a rape. And then hold on for the riiiide” Is that what you just said you fucking piece of shit?? Rob Delaney: Live at the Bowery Ballroom!
me before coffee: april ludgate
me after coffee: leslie knope
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